told ya so…

i told you, you shouldn’t say that things can’t get worse, cause they do…

i got a call form the dr yesterday, they haven’t done my blood work yet. he wanted to check with me, he forgot to tell me that if my results come back positive that i will never be able to get health insurance or life insurance. he said the test hadn’t been done. i could change my mind. i told him to charge forward, i’ll deal with one thing at a time. so for those of you praying, keep it up. i have faith that the pieces will fall into place, no matter what.  i have to keep that faith or i am gonna fall apart.

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random thoughts at 11pm

-have you wondered where i have been for months on end, no bloggy posts have come from me direct to you.

-is anyone still out there listening?

- have you ever noticed how hungry you get when someone tells you that you can’t eat. or how thirsty you become for things like juice and tea and fizzy soda when you are limited to just water. 

- have you ever thought about genes? no not jeans although i think of those too. 

-on a related note, how often do you think about your blood. gross right? but think about it. your blood knows everything about you, when you eat, when you drink, it knows your hair color, your eye color, it knows why you gain weight in your thighs and hiney rather than in your breasts where you would like too. did you ever stop to think that your blood could know things about you, before you do. if you have cancer, your blood knows before you do

- in the morning i go to the doctor to have some blood drawn. my blood will be taken and shipped off to a magical place where they will force it to tell what could possibly be it’s darkest secret. 

my father recently tested positive for a genetic disease, huntington’s. his mother had it. and my whole life i have known that my father could have this disease. i have spent my adult years watching and waiting for any possible sign that he might to carry the gene. my whole life i have known that if my dad had the disease that my chances and my brother’s chances were 50/50 and if my dad never showed signs of the disease then my chances and my brother’s were less than 1%.

so now there are so many worries, about him. worry for my mother as she will have to watch the vital man she married fade.

there are also worries for me… what am i going to do. i just went from less than 1% to 50% chance that i too will carry the gene. an so of course your brain stretches far and wide. what if i do, what if i don’t. 

so tomorrow is easy, they take my blood. it is the next appointment that is so hard.

if the test is positive… i sign up for college classes, dance classes, art classes, history classes because i want to use my brain to it’s fullest while i still can. i plan trips, i go places that i want to go before i can’t. i literally climb mountains and stand on the top and just breathe. and then i also resign myself to the fact that i may never be able to get married again because i see the hurt that my mother already endures and i just don’t know if i can ask someone to stand beside me and carry my entire load someday. if the test is positive, i grieve for the children i will never have because i cannot knowingly risk passing this sentence on to a child. i plan, i make the decisions now for a life i will have then as someday i will no longer be able to make them.

everyone around me keeps praying for a negative result and please don’t get me wrong i do too. maybe it is just that i am trying not to get my hopes up but i just can’t get excited about the thought of a negative result. it seems so strange, so different. i feel as if it isn’t like going to the dr. and having a test for cancer come back negative… no matter my result, this doesn’t go away. my father must still deal with it, my brother’s chances don’t get any less if my results are negative…

so here is to another sleepless night to be followed… by many more sleepless nights.

can get get worse?

 

- have you ever looked at your life and pondered on “how could things get worse” have you ever felt like you have hit rock bottom? well i have and i have now decided that when that thought of “things couldn’t get worse” crosses my mind that i will banish it as far from me as it can get. why?

- in november i left my husband. i moved my furniture on a saturday, spent a peaceful day playing house, went to work for two days and then was road tripping for thanksgiving. i was less than 200 miles from home when my phone rang and i found myself in the middle of no where colorado listing to my mother tell me that my grandmother had just been given her experation date. i can still show you where that spot in the road is. december was full of family drama and grandma’s “last” christmas. january found me being told that on top of everything else that i was a terrible teacher and that my students were worse off in life for having had me as their teacher. valentines day was so memorable, i mean who else gets to utter that they are done, done and wants a divorce, great way to remember the day! march, hell i don’t remember much. april brought easter and a visit from my grandmother and words of wisdom from an idiot stating that she didn’t look like she would last long. april also brought me being let go of my position at the local community college due to an issue with a student (in the game of divorce she was on my husbands team). then may… i spent the first few weeks of may preparing weeks worth of lesson plans as i knew then time was close that i would have to head north to say my final goodbye to my grandmother. sure enough at 3am on saturday morning my phone rang, i left promptly at 5am the same day.

so in less than a year i have lost the man i promised under heaven to spend the rest of my life with, i lost a home, i lost a job, i lost a grandparent. and so often i uttered those words, “what else, what else can go wrong” i mean wouldn’t you.