broken… again?

just when i start to think i am putting the pieces of me back together, he comes along and smashes them to bits again. 

he has started dating. the man who said i couldn’t be easily replaced, that that was just a stupid idea in my head. the man who up until 31 days ago still said that he had had the marriage he signed up for, the kind of wife he had always wanted. of course those words were not said until i told him i was leaving.

up until this point, i could still look back and see that there were good things in our marriage. i thought he could too. now i just feel like our marriage was a sham. he didn’t love me, not like i loved him. you don’t put yourself out there for someone else after just 21 days, not if you loved that other person, not like he told me he did.

so many times i told him that i always felt like he could bring anyone else in to replace me, that he had no true ties to me that i was just a comfort for him, just someone to take care of him. he always told me that i was wrong, he just showed me that i was right all along. 

it hurts to be right.

Help Me I’ve Fallen… Part 2

Did you think Part 2 would never come? Life has been crazy.

… so his response to my confessions? With out coming to any type of understanding, with out any acknowledgment of my feelings, he rose out of his chair, declared that he had the marriage that he had always wanted and that he had work in the morning and that he was going to bed.

So the next day pushed, something I had rarely done in our marriage, for more from him, more understanding. I tried to rephrase what I had said so many times before. So in turn he intterupted me as is his way nearly every time I try to talk.  He told me that our marriage was great, that he never it me, he never called me names (I guess that is a matter of opinion), that he had provided a house for me, a new car for me to drive, and he didn’t cheat on me. I guess to him that was enough. I tried to explain that I felt like instead of being partners in this relationship, he was Lord and Commander and I was just expected to follow along.

After these long drawn out fights were I was give a reason for every action he had, after these fights where nothing was ever solved. An hour later everything would be okay, to him. He would still come into the bathroom each morning as I prepared for work and he would caress my shoulders or just stand there and stare at me. I tried so many times to explain how to me this was not okay, that he couldn’t hurt me with his words and then moments later try to make a physical connection.

I was growing so weary, so tired of not being heard, so I broke one of his biggest rules… I told someone else how I was feeling. In my husbands world you never reach out to anyone for help, you never tell anyone of your troubles, no one, not friends, not family ever knows of the struggles you are having. In his mind they won’t support you, they will only judge you and think less of you. I would often talk to my mother about our little fights and our big fights but this time I found a friend, one who knows me, who knows me for who I am and where I come from and when I spilled the beans, the message I received was loud and clear, I deserved better. But after years of being a second class citizen in my marriage and after years of believing that it was true, I just couldn’t truly take that message to heart.

Next, a turning point…