it has been

tonight was not a good night… is not a good night…

it has been a year, a year today that i decided that i could not live under the same roof as the man i was married to

it has been 360 days since i loaded my car with my belongings and moved

it has been 356 days since i got the phone call that told me my grandmother wouldn’t be with us much longer, that there was nothing else any one could do for her

it has been 11 months and 20 days since i celebrated christmas with my entire family for the last time

it has been 9 months and 1 day since i told my husband that i was done, done. i  wanted a divorce

it has been 7 months and 21 days since a judge signed my divorce papers

it has been 6 months and 1 day since my dearest grandmother left this earth

it has been just over 5 months since my father confessed his knowledge of the disease that lives inside him

it has been 4 months since the doctor confirmed what we already knew

it has been 3 months and 2 days since the doctor passed on the test results that would change the way i view the world

so it has been a year… such a long year…

Those moments…

when i saw the doctor almost two weeks ago, he asked me how i was. he wanted to know if i was depressed, if i could use anti-depressants to help me over this hurdle. i told him no, i told him that considering all that had happened i felt good, that i could still smile, that i could still find the good in each day.

and don’t get me wrong i can still find the good in each day. but there are those moments…

and during those moments, i want someone by my side. i have the greatest friends and family, no one one earth has a greater support system than i do, but there are those moments…

when i want that someone by my side. the someone who is there for just me, to hold not only my hand but to hold me, to hold my world for just 5 or 10 minutes, just 5 or 10 minutes to let me breathe with out all of this pressure. someone to look me in the eyes, deep in my eyes, someone who hurts simply because i hurt, someone who wants to go out and kick the worlds ass for making me hurt. someone to sit down beside me and with out a word being spoken know how i feel and with out a word make me feel better.

in those moments want that someone who can give me what my friends can’t, what my family can’t. in those moments i want someone to hold my heart…

i hate those moments…

told ya so…

i told you, you shouldn’t say that things can’t get worse, cause they do…

i got a call form the dr yesterday, they haven’t done my blood work yet. he wanted to check with me, he forgot to tell me that if my results come back positive that i will never be able to get health insurance or life insurance. he said the test hadn’t been done. i could change my mind. i told him to charge forward, i’ll deal with one thing at a time. so for those of you praying, keep it up. i have faith that the pieces will fall into place, no matter what.  i have to keep that faith or i am gonna fall apart.

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random thoughts at 11pm

-have you wondered where i have been for months on end, no bloggy posts have come from me direct to you.

-is anyone still out there listening?

– have you ever noticed how hungry you get when someone tells you that you can’t eat. or how thirsty you become for things like juice and tea and fizzy soda when you are limited to just water. 

– have you ever thought about genes? no not jeans although i think of those too. 

-on a related note, how often do you think about your blood. gross right? but think about it. your blood knows everything about you, when you eat, when you drink, it knows your hair color, your eye color, it knows why you gain weight in your thighs and hiney rather than in your breasts where you would like too. did you ever stop to think that your blood could know things about you, before you do. if you have cancer, your blood knows before you do

– in the morning i go to the doctor to have some blood drawn. my blood will be taken and shipped off to a magical place where they will force it to tell what could possibly be it’s darkest secret. 

my father recently tested positive for a genetic disease, huntington’s. his mother had it. and my whole life i have known that my father could have this disease. i have spent my adult years watching and waiting for any possible sign that he might to carry the gene. my whole life i have known that if my dad had the disease that my chances and my brother’s chances were 50/50 and if my dad never showed signs of the disease then my chances and my brother’s were less than 1%.

so now there are so many worries, about him. worry for my mother as she will have to watch the vital man she married fade.

there are also worries for me… what am i going to do. i just went from less than 1% to 50% chance that i too will carry the gene. an so of course your brain stretches far and wide. what if i do, what if i don’t. 

so tomorrow is easy, they take my blood. it is the next appointment that is so hard.

if the test is positive… i sign up for college classes, dance classes, art classes, history classes because i want to use my brain to it’s fullest while i still can. i plan trips, i go places that i want to go before i can’t. i literally climb mountains and stand on the top and just breathe. and then i also resign myself to the fact that i may never be able to get married again because i see the hurt that my mother already endures and i just don’t know if i can ask someone to stand beside me and carry my entire load someday. if the test is positive, i grieve for the children i will never have because i cannot knowingly risk passing this sentence on to a child. i plan, i make the decisions now for a life i will have then as someday i will no longer be able to make them.

everyone around me keeps praying for a negative result and please don’t get me wrong i do too. maybe it is just that i am trying not to get my hopes up but i just can’t get excited about the thought of a negative result. it seems so strange, so different. i feel as if it isn’t like going to the dr. and having a test for cancer come back negative… no matter my result, this doesn’t go away. my father must still deal with it, my brother’s chances don’t get any less if my results are negative…

so here is to another sleepless night to be followed… by many more sleepless nights.

can get get worse?

 

– have you ever looked at your life and pondered on “how could things get worse” have you ever felt like you have hit rock bottom? well i have and i have now decided that when that thought of “things couldn’t get worse” crosses my mind that i will banish it as far from me as it can get. why?

– in november i left my husband. i moved my furniture on a saturday, spent a peaceful day playing house, went to work for two days and then was road tripping for thanksgiving. i was less than 200 miles from home when my phone rang and i found myself in the middle of no where colorado listing to my mother tell me that my grandmother had just been given her experation date. i can still show you where that spot in the road is. december was full of family drama and grandma’s “last” christmas. january found me being told that on top of everything else that i was a terrible teacher and that my students were worse off in life for having had me as their teacher. valentines day was so memorable, i mean who else gets to utter that they are done, done and wants a divorce, great way to remember the day! march, hell i don’t remember much. april brought easter and a visit from my grandmother and words of wisdom from an idiot stating that she didn’t look like she would last long. april also brought me being let go of my position at the local community college due to an issue with a student (in the game of divorce she was on my husbands team). then may… i spent the first few weeks of may preparing weeks worth of lesson plans as i knew then time was close that i would have to head north to say my final goodbye to my grandmother. sure enough at 3am on saturday morning my phone rang, i left promptly at 5am the same day.

so in less than a year i have lost the man i promised under heaven to spend the rest of my life with, i lost a home, i lost a job, i lost a grandparent. and so often i uttered those words, “what else, what else can go wrong” i mean wouldn’t you.

Delightfully Sad News

Odd title I know but bear with me it will all make sense in good time…

My phone rang yesterday during my lunch, which is not unusual, my mother often calls me at lunch. But instead of hearing the snappy little ditty I have programed for most who call me I hear Sonny and Cher belting out a love tune, which can only mean one thing, my ex-husband is calling. First let me say that I know that this is a totally lame tune, but it was our tune. I know that I should change the ringer so it doesn’t play a love song when he calls but those first 3 notes have turned my stomach for so long, every time I hear them I am filled with fear and dread and yet 6 months out of the gate and I haven’t changed the ring tone. I just can’t those three notes also give me a warning that I need to brace myself, there is either a fight or a sob story on the other end and I must be prepared. (Talk about brain damage try to prepare for a fight and a sob story all at once).

Anyways… I pick up the phone, keeping my voice positive as I promised myself (and my mother) that I was going to do. Why don’t you listen in…

SassyBug (yea that’s me): Hello

HIM: (pathetically sad) Hi

SB: What’s going on?

HIM: I got laid off this morning, I just thought I should call and tell you before you heard it else where.

SB: (thinking so maybe he is learning, tell people things before they find out from strangers!) I’m sorry, what happened. (Okay G get mad now, I know I don’t have to care what happens, I don’t have to ask but lets face it my mother raised me to be polite and it is a hell of a habit to break)

HIM: Well Jerky G* told Nosy M* that I had interviewed for that job last week. So they laid me off and said if I didn’t want to be here I shouldn’t be here…

Okay so the rest of the conversation was just as lame and really not important. What is important is that in no way could he BLAME me for this happening to him. He couldn’t blame me and then turn around and expect me to pick up the pieces! Now I am sure that he found away to blame someone for his misfortune but it wasn’t me or if it was I didn’t have to hear about it! He got himself into this mess 100%, when he started this job (or should I say returned to this job) he promised Jerky G that he would stay and that unless his dream job came along he would not interview for another job, that he would stay put unless destiny came calling. So in knowing that why he told Jerky G a week ago that he had interviewed for another lame-o job, a job he didn’t really want, is really beyond me.

Having said all of that, I know that in not caring I should not know this much detail about my ex (or so people tell me) but lets face it I do still care about him about the man I met 10 years ago and fell in love with, the man I have spent the last ten years of my life with. The great thing is again I say he can’t blame me! and he can’t talk his way around and around in circles so that even when it isn’t my fault he makes me believe that it is. Secondly, I get to feel bad that he lost his job, the same as I would for anyone who has lost a job but I don’t have to pick up the pieces of his life. I don’t have to tiptoe around him and say sweet things, I don’t have to tell him that he has worth and value because he can’t believe that for himself, I don’t have to put my life on hold (and I mean totally on hold) because something bad happened to him. And while most wives would be willing to do these things they wouldn’t be willing to do them all while having to shoulder the blame of every bad thing that happens in his life. 

It just feels so nice, it is one of the largest reasons I left, I can’t be torn to pieces, he can’t fault me anymore for things that I truly have zero control over.

Ahhhhh

*names have been changed and honestly I don’t think that either one is a jerk or nosy… that is just the tone that the ex implies as he tells his story. I am sure that they are the ones that the blame has fallen on this time, it certainly couldn’t fall on the proper persons shoulders! 

broken… again?

just when i start to think i am putting the pieces of me back together, he comes along and smashes them to bits again. 

he has started dating. the man who said i couldn’t be easily replaced, that that was just a stupid idea in my head. the man who up until 31 days ago still said that he had had the marriage he signed up for, the kind of wife he had always wanted. of course those words were not said until i told him i was leaving.

up until this point, i could still look back and see that there were good things in our marriage. i thought he could too. now i just feel like our marriage was a sham. he didn’t love me, not like i loved him. you don’t put yourself out there for someone else after just 21 days, not if you loved that other person, not like he told me he did.

so many times i told him that i always felt like he could bring anyone else in to replace me, that he had no true ties to me that i was just a comfort for him, just someone to take care of him. he always told me that i was wrong, he just showed me that i was right all along. 

it hurts to be right.

Help Me I’ve Fallen… Part 2

Did you think Part 2 would never come? Life has been crazy.

… so his response to my confessions? With out coming to any type of understanding, with out any acknowledgment of my feelings, he rose out of his chair, declared that he had the marriage that he had always wanted and that he had work in the morning and that he was going to bed.

So the next day pushed, something I had rarely done in our marriage, for more from him, more understanding. I tried to rephrase what I had said so many times before. So in turn he intterupted me as is his way nearly every time I try to talk.  He told me that our marriage was great, that he never it me, he never called me names (I guess that is a matter of opinion), that he had provided a house for me, a new car for me to drive, and he didn’t cheat on me. I guess to him that was enough. I tried to explain that I felt like instead of being partners in this relationship, he was Lord and Commander and I was just expected to follow along.

After these long drawn out fights were I was give a reason for every action he had, after these fights where nothing was ever solved. An hour later everything would be okay, to him. He would still come into the bathroom each morning as I prepared for work and he would caress my shoulders or just stand there and stare at me. I tried so many times to explain how to me this was not okay, that he couldn’t hurt me with his words and then moments later try to make a physical connection.

I was growing so weary, so tired of not being heard, so I broke one of his biggest rules… I told someone else how I was feeling. In my husbands world you never reach out to anyone for help, you never tell anyone of your troubles, no one, not friends, not family ever knows of the struggles you are having. In his mind they won’t support you, they will only judge you and think less of you. I would often talk to my mother about our little fights and our big fights but this time I found a friend, one who knows me, who knows me for who I am and where I come from and when I spilled the beans, the message I received was loud and clear, I deserved better. But after years of being a second class citizen in my marriage and after years of believing that it was true, I just couldn’t truly take that message to heart.

Next, a turning point…

Lack of Grace

So I was watching a late night episode of W!ll & Grace the other night, classy tv I know. Anyway Grace wins the election for president of the tennants association or something and she sings Will a little song that goes like this:

I win, I win…

I win, I win, you lose

Short little ditty buy it is how I feel today. Good feeling… nope not sharing the details either…